WWE ECW 170

September 8, 2009 – Rockford, Illinois

The Hurricane def. Paul Burchill
Striker used the absurd bell-to-bell match time to make tons of superhero references, but none referencing the Green Lantern because he’s a fake nerd (but a real piece of shit). This picked up down the stretch, which is kind of surprising given that this was a Burchill match. Hurricane won with the Eye of the Hurricane at 9:01 (shown). **½ 

Sheamus & Shelton Benjamin def. Goldust & Yoshi Tatsu
Oh my god, the Goldest/Sheamus feud isn’t over? The crowd was totally dead for this. Goldust whipped Sheamus into the heel corner like a moron, Benjamin made a blind tag, Sheamus hit a completely mundane kick on Goldust, and Benjamin stole the pin at 4:12. Goldust goes down to regular kicks out of the corner now? This sucked. Sheamus was mad at Benjamin for stealing his glory (but stood on the apron like a good boy while it happened?) and attacked him after the match. This was all brain-bleedingly dumb, and about the laziest way to turn Sheamus babyface that I can think of. ¾*

Zack Ryder def. Rory Fargo
Fargo got famous on that MTV show a million years ago, but not famous enough to do anything but get squashed here. I guess his dick also fell out when Ryder pulled on his tights, but the camera doesn’t pick it up. Ryder won in 1:21 with the Zack Attack. N/A

Ezekiel Jackson & Vladimir Kozlov def. Christian & Tommy Dreamer
Matt Striker sounded like Mauro Ranallo here: “Regal wants to form a Continental Congress to rewrite the declaration on the Founding Father of extreme,” and “from the flop to the turn to the river card, Christian is all in.” Yeesh. This went on for a full blown epoch. It’s not that the heels are bad, but they’re certainly not good. Kozlov tripped over himself more than once and Jackson filled his time with boring holds. Jackson pinned Dreamer after hitting the uranage at 12:04 (shown). **

On to Breaking Point. 

September 13, 2009 – Montreal, Quebec

Christian def. William Regal {ECW Championship Match}
Okay, here’s what I don’t get; you’d think that WWE would want to make as many wrestlers as possible appear to be main eventers. In doing so, you’d have more guys who are bigger draws. One way to do that would be to make the ECW Championship on par with at least the World Championship, if not also the WWE Championship. In this match for the ECW title, you have two guys who are just shy of the main event and could be an asset to you (I’m not sure where Regal was at re: drugs at this point, to be fair). Why not make this a submission match? Both of the other top titles were submission matches, as was the big tag team match in the middle of the show. Why not tell us that this match is important too? Don’t want to do two singles submission matches (Orton was defending in an I Quit match, technically)? Fine, find another submission style stipulation for this match. Regal had been using the Regal Stretch a ton in the build to this, and Christian didn’t really have a submission hold. So the odds would be against the babyface champ and you’d be telling us that this title matters. I know this title didn’t matter, but it doesn’t make sense to me not to try to convince us that all the titles are a big deal. Go fucking figure. The match was more boring than I thought it would be, as they were clearly sent out there to take it easy so the crowd would have energy for the double main event. Christian hit the Killswitch out of nowhere at 10:15 for the win. **½