EVOLVE 135

September 20, 2019 – Brooklyn, New York

Arturo Ruas vs. John Silver
I think Silver is in AEW now. His biceps are too big for the rest of his body. He’s 5’7” but his oversized muscles make him look even shorter. I feel kind of bad making fun of his shape, because he certainly brought it here. It’s just distracting! The biceps! This was a fun little war of attrition, which Ruas won in 6:08 with a roundhouse kick. Anthony Gutierrez came out for his match while Ruas was still in the ring and talked a little trash. **¾ 

Austin Theory nc. Babatunde
Theory and Josh Briggs picked each other’s opponents on this show in anticipation of their title match the following night. Theory stalled forever, but then the Unwanted came out and that gave Theory the confidence he needed to get in the ring. Yeah, this sucked. It went for 7:11 of uninspired action before the Unwanted ran in and attacked Babatunde for the win. I get that interference by someone who isn’t a second of one of the wrestlers tends to lead to a no contest instead of a disqualification, but the Unwanted only hate Babatunde. Whatever, that’s just a nit I had to pick on a match that I otherwise disliked anyway. The Skulk made the save. *

Kassius Ohno def. Josh Briggs
This is a rematch. Their last match went way too long so I went into this hoping for just a little bit of restraint. You’d that since Ohno went over in their first match, and since Briggs was on his way to being the champion, that Briggs would get his win back here to get a little momentum. Nope. This was the same long, boring bullshit as the last time around. I’ll grant that Ohno’s best match in NXT/NXT UK was a long one against Tyler Bate, but this was a far, far cry from that hard-hitting classic. This took fifteen minutes before it felt like it was going anywhere. Ohno hit the Hero’s Welcome for the win at 16:44. Lenny Leonard tried to sell it like Ohno hit that out of desperation to get the win, but the match didn’t have the urgency to sell that angle. Theory attacked Briggs after the match. Ohno tried to make the save but both Theory and Briggs attacked him. **¼ 

WALTER def. JD Drake
These two pasty chubs were pink by the time this thing ended. There wasn’t much selling happening here, but when the main event is two stiff marshmallows smacking each other around I suppose you’re really looking for them to spend a lot of time conveying pain. I know Drake is a top guy in EVOLVE but 1) I don’t see it and 2) I still think WALTER gave him too much. And then after a while he just decides he’s had enough and hits winded versions of his finishers, picking up the win with a lariat at 13:08. ***¼